You ARE worth it.

You can do this. You've got this. You are worth it. I believe in YOU. Believe in YOURSELF.

These were all comforting words I felt God told me over the past weekend. And for once, I believe them and I believe in myself. For once in my life, there isn't a doubt in my mind that I can achieve the dreams and goals God has placed in my heart. You see, I struggle with knowing who Shelby is. I've struggled with believing I am worth the best and that I will ever be good enough to achieve my goals. Because I see all my faults, my imperfections, my dirty little secrets, my "cellulite", I don't think I am ever worth the best. But praise God, I had a huge turn around this past weekend as it finally hit me (hard... and left a mark :P) that I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I want to share a personal story with you guys that has been on my heart to open up about for some time:

Rewind to a eight years ago. The first clear moment I can remember where my self confidence had hit an all time low. I read an article written by a celebrity that claimed she went through an eating disorder and how she "overcame" her issue. Problem with the article was that it seemed to glorify eating disorders, almost making it look cool, and how not eating to feel better about your body was not as bad as it seemed. I, in the weaken state I was in at that time, thought to myself maybe I should try this not eating thing too. I completely ignored the fact that I felt in my heart that was not the right thing to do. But, I was just beginning to like fashion and having the attentions of others calling me "beautiful" because of my looks (so I thought, wrongly again) that I thought it would be a good idea to try this. I figured I would look better in my clothes. I figured since this celebrity made it look "cool" then it had to be. Eating disorders are not cool in any way, shape, or form. Do you hear me? They are not cool. And they are extremely negative on the way female view themselves.

There were a few months after I read that article where I limited how much food I ate. I certainly did not loose an excessive amount of weight or start to look bony, but my inner self was caving in. Because I did not see any "improvement" in the way my body looked from limiting eating, I realized that I actually did need to eat so I went back to eating. However, as time continued on, I began to be genuinely scared of food. I avoided so many things because I didn't want them to have a negative effect on how I looked. It wasn't me trying to be healthy because being healthy is a wonderful thing; it was me cutting out things I felt would make me "skinny." Just for the record, I cannot stand the word 'skinny'. It was also during this time where I felt like people really didn't care about me or what I thought, so I began keeping thoughts inside. I began pretending to be someone I really wasn't. I was not comfortable in my own skin at all.

Skip ahead a couple of years, I started competing in pageants... these pageants included the swimsuit portion. If you do not know me personally, you should probably know at least this one thing about me: I have a love/hate relationship with the swimsuit portion of Miss America. It can certainly be very beneficial to many girls, and I am not dissing this part of pageants, but personally, for my life, it has been more on the negative side. I feel there is a huge part of this part of pageants where you are being looked at, up and down, and critiqued in every way possible. As a woman who has struggled with many negative thoughts about her and her body, this is not a good thing. As a woman who has sought after perfection, this is not a good thing. [How can people really tell in an instant how "fit" someone is based on ten seconds of walking around on stage in a bikini and heels? Anyone can get on medication to make her body loose tons of weight and she can do all kinds of plastic surgery to make her body look good. Give me a treadmill and I'll show you the amount of hours I've put in to be able to run a marathon.]

Keeping going forward to a few months ago. I continued struggling with my self image off and on, but I finally reached a point of loving my body. However, I was not fully comfortable with myself - not confident in my opinions or views, always looking to see who has better style, etc. Getting to mentor girls about having positive self image has greatly helped me with my own. But there was still something inside of me that hasn't been right. January 20014... I had someone enter my life who challenged me to really take the time to figure out why I wanted to be Miss Georgia and Miss America, and further, challenged me to figure out who Shelby is. I have an amazing support system - my mom, my dad, my sisters, my brothers, my relatives, my dear man, my boards, my friends... I really am so blessed. But I think God uses specific people to say one thing that thousands of others have been saying for it to really stick. And that's what happened with this person. He told one of my directors that after ourfirst coaching session he thought I really didn't want to be Miss Georgia. My initial thought was, whaaaaattttt???! Of course I do!!!! But then it hit me; he doesn't think I do, because I genuinely don't know why I truly, deep down inside want this. I want it, but I feel like I am not worth it. I want this, but because I am still trying to figure out who I am, I am not able to convey it.

You see, for as long as I have competed in pageants, {which has only been since 2009 (minus the two times I competed as a teen in high school)}, I have never felt like I genuinely was good enough or worth being Miss Georgia or Miss America. I thought all the other girls had more than I did; they were prettier, they had stronger talents, their interviews were better. What lies! I think finally figuring out years ago that I actually was good enough may have saved me a lot of time and money :P But, that is the beauty of God taking us out of ashes and turning our story into something truly magnificent. The path that He has taken me on has been hard. It's been a personal struggle every single day I have woken up. I am grateful for the person who told me and that it finally clicked, only a few months ago, that yes - I was worth it, and yes, I am worth it. It's my dream to be Miss Georgia. I think God has definitely given me this dream. This year is my last shot at trying to achieve that dream. And what if I don't achieve it? What then; will I be a failure? Thanks to God finally helping me I am worth it, not in the least bit.

Miss Georgia forum was this past weekend. It's where all of the title holders and their parents and boards get together for two full days of sessions and meetings. Its where you are sized up and the comparing of the girls begins... who is going to be the next Miss Georgia, who will be in the top 10/5, who has the best talent, who looks like they are ready, etc. In the large scheme of things, it's a bit ridiculous. The past two years this has brought intense pressure, having to look and act your complete best. This year, however, was a totally different story. I told God I wanted to walk in acting like the real Shelby and looking like the real Shelby. There was to be no gimmicks or fake-ness. What you saw was what you got. And, thanks to finally realizing who Shelby is and being comfortable with the real Shelby, that is exactly what happened. Technically, I am a grandma in the pageant world... so I took this time to meet the new girls and love on the ones who I already knew. I made sure to have fun while being comfortable to be me. It was an exhausting weekend, but in a good way; it was an amazing weekend. And ending it off with a comment from a girl I have been competing with since the beginning definitely topped it off: "Shelby... you look like Shelby." And that is what I wanted. I wanted to jump up and down right after she said that, but my heart was doing so for me. I wanted to run to God and yell, "Mission Accomplished!"

I am grateful for the Miss America Organization. It's helped me know more about myself (especially in the last few months) than I ever thought could be possible in a lifetime. I know I'm not perfect, but being imperfect is what makes me beautiful. I'm learning that it's what people want to know about. You never know what connections you'll make until you open up and allow others to see you, the real you. You'll never know what kind of impact you can make on others until you believe in the worth that you have.

It is my desire as Shelby, as Miss Atlanta, as a nursing student, as a big sister, or as anything else God is calling me to be, that I will be a positive image and role model for females (young or old). I want to help girls realize that they matter, that they are amazing, and their uniqueness is their beauty.

You too... take opportunities to find out what you love, what your weaknesses are, what your talents are, and what your favorite things are. You'll be surprised at how many things you may find out about yourself :) Be willing to laugh at yourself. Write down every success you feel you had... and then some. Open up to others. Look at those imperfections and realize that you. are. worth. it.

Xoxo, Shelby.